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Pinky And The Brain
A Meticulous Analysis Of History (Episode P031)
Brain: Through meticulous analysis of history
I will find a way to make the people worship me.
By studying the conquerors of days gone by,
I'll discover the mistakes that made them go awry.
Pinky: So that you can make the same mistakes if you just try.
Brain: By studying the past so carefully,
I won't repeat the same mistakes of history.
Pinky: You'll never make another mistake, you see,
'cause you'll fall asleep from reading all that history.
Brain: Pay attention Pinky!
When Cleopatra reigned as Queen,
With Roman leaders she was often seen.
But when she had no ruling friend,
She found a poison snake to bite her in the end.
Pinky: A bite down there I really wouldn't recommend.
Brain: I won't need world alliances,
When I'm commanding everyone's appliances.
Pinky: Oh no Brain, that would really smart,
To be bitten on the bottom by a Cuisinart.
Brain: Hannibal, our book confirms,
Tried conquering Italy with pachyderms.
Just why he failed, nobody tells,
But he never could get past the Roman sentinels.
Pinky: And he couldn't find his weapons in the peanut shells.
Brain: An elephant is not required,
If I can use the media to be admired.
Pinky: The TV viewers you'll delight,
Unless the network puts your show on Sunday night.
Brain: Attila was a mighty Hun,
He ransacked Asia Minor just for fun.
But when he got to Europe's banks,
He was routed by an army of heroic Franks.
Pinky: I like mine with sauerkraut and mustard, thanks.
Brain: Why pillage like a criminal,
When I can send out messages subliminal.
Pinky: Please send a message to that Hun,
To see if he can pillage me a hot dog bun.
Brain: Caligula was no boy scout,
He did things that we can't even talk about.
The Romans knew he'd lost his head,
When he filled a vacant Senate seat with Mr. Ed.
Pinky: What's wrong with being friendly with a thoroughbred?
Brain: Why rule like such a reprobate,
When I can put the world in a hypnotic state?
Pinky: When everybody's in a trance,
You can make the people do a chicken dance.
Brain: Pinky, if you don't stop this foolishness,
I shall have to hurt you.
Brain: In France, Napoleon Buonaparte,
Thought beating Austria was very smart.
But when he took on England too,
He was beaten up by Wellington at Waterloo.
Pinky: And now he's just a pastry filled with creamy goo.
Brain: Why conquer with depravity,
I'll win the world by undermining gravity.
Pinky: And even if your plan falls through,
Maybe they will name a pastry after you.
Brain: From Ghengis Khan to Charlemagne,
From Alexander down to Tamburlaine.
I find a ruler's tragic flaw,
And gain a little wisdom out of each faux pas.
Pinky: Don't forget the former Governor of Arkansas.
Brain: That concludes my little rhyme,
I hope this lesson wasn't just a waste of time.
Pinky: Well Brain, I've learned that one thing's true,
Every one of them has failed, and so have you.
Brain: Thank you for your vote of confidence.
Now come, we must prepare for tomorrow night.
Pinky: Why, what are we going to do tomorrow night?
(Gasp) Sing a song about all the world's cheeses?
Brain: No, Pinky, we shall try to take over the world --
Through meticulous analysis of history.