Sometimes bro-douche accumulates enough layers to collapse into itself, making a tool singularity. The result, like an eclipse, compels you to burn your retinas as you can’t look away. But these days, Jersey Shore is old news, and the popped-collar-and-Axe stereotype might as well be ancient.

Behold, the new breed: customers of The Weeknd’s signature vape pen.

For only $325, you can get your nicotine ecig on and listen to Abel Makkonen Tesfaye’s fucking-on-drugs hipster-trap song “The Hills” every single time you “light” up:


The vape company (PAX) will be sponsoring The Weeknd’s tour and having a “presence” (read: PAX’s sales event tour will feature special musical guest The Weeknd performing). Nothing goes better with The Weeknd’s signature “XO” (ecstasy and oxycodone) than a marked-up faux cigarette.

I don’t know about you, but who doesn’t binge on hard drugs and think, this would pair great with a quasi-safe nicotine alternative? For that matter, who doesn’t love The Weeknd and think, I would love to be aggressively marketed at by an overpriced vape company when I see my favorite artist complain-brag about millennial pseudo-problems?

That said it’s perfect for the target demographic. For anywhere from three-to-six-times what that type of vape should cost, you can hear some lyrics about Tesfaye’s maybe not real drug problem and douche out vicariously through him. It doesn’t appear to use the universal vape screw-on system, so it probably won’t interact with other cartridges. If that’s the case, while you might be able to vape weed with it, it’d have to be PAX’s oils in the tank. It’s like a ringtone you can’t change or turn off attached to an already douchey accessory that costs the price of a used, cheap computer.

As far as overplayed shit goes, just imagine if you’d gotten this with “Thrift Shop” on it a few years back. You’d have quit vaping by now.