The party anthem is a trickier genre than one might think – lyrically, they can’t be too complex, but they must also find a way to say “I like getting drunk” in a more interesting way than “I like getting drunk”. Musically, they must have a danceable beat while still progressing past our long collective history of party anthems. Flo Rida, in this second single from Only One Rida (Part 2), fails miserably on both fronts.

First off, Sia opens the song with what I imagine is supposed to be a powerful voice. Although it is obvious she has talent, the melody she sings over a soft piano line limits her to a poor recreation of every soulful delivery since the 90s R&B heyday. The fact that she’s singing the fantastically uninteresting line

If I took you home/it’d be a home run

doesn’t help. In short, Sia’s addition to the song plays at epic-ness, but lacks the content and delivery.

Nonetheless, she’s the best part of the song. That fact becomes all too evident when the beat drops. The song sounds remarkably like a knock-off version of a Black Eyed Peas track that wasn’t all that good to begin with (say, “Let’s Get Retarded“). It’s background music for a suburban laser tag arena. In fact, all the partying Flo Rida tries to insinuate sounds about as fun as a laser tag party.

But now here’s the real problem: Flo Rida. None of his verses have any style, and they make even less sense. My favorite example:

Party rocker, fa’ sho’ stopper
More Chambull, number one club popper
Got a hangover like too much vodka
Can’t see me with ten binoculars
So cool

Seriously. Someone please tell me what that binoculars line means. Why do you have binoculars in a club, Flo Rida? Why so many? Why does not being seen somehow mean you’re cool? Are you making a joke about yourself having a small penis? I really can’t tell.

Maybe Lil’ Wayne or Drake or Kanye has the swagger to make nonsense like that come off (whenever they falter enough to let a song this bad slip through), but Flo Rida doesn’t. His delivery lacks any interesting rhythm and his hooks are forgettable. When I was six and wanted a rap CD, my mom brought home a Disney does hip-hop album. It was more compelling than this.

The video above actually sums things up quite nicely: at about the 1:10 mark it shows Flo Rida on his phone trying to get people out to the club with him. If his party anthems were any good, he wouldn’t have to do that – he’d either have someone to do it for him, or the crowd would just follow. As is, he’s closer to that guy always begging people to go drinking with him and bragging about his crazy life the next morning.

I hate that guy.