We all have have a few musical skeletons in our closet. They’re our dirty little secrets: songs we would never want anyone to EVER know we actually know all the lyrics to, let alone possess in our music library.

While we are waxing poetic in a dimly-lit whiskey bar to a crowd of cool kids about how Night Drive, by the Chromatics, subtly and hypnotically transfers the darkest elements of the human emotional landscape through the course of an album; deep down we are hoping beyond hope that no one finds out that we used to hum Britney Spears‘ “…Baby One More Time” on our way to 9th grade homeroom.  Not that I know anything about that…

So here below you will find an assemlbed list of the “Most Embarrassing Songs On Your iPod”. I am not employing any kind of ranking system here because, let’s be honest, simply acknowledging them is embarrassing enough.  

“When I Grow Up” by The Pussycat Dolls

Pussycat Dolls lyricsCorporately-packaged girl group singing what can loosely be defined as “a song”. I hope if I ever have a daughter, she won’t earnestly listen to such crap.

 

 

Notable Lyrics

When I grow up
I wanna be famous
I wanna be a star
I wanna be in movies
When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have groupies

“Barbie Girl” by Aqua

Aqua lyricsRemember this? Listen to it and it will stay lodged in your head like a tick for no less than 96 hours.

Any longer and you should see a doctor.

 

 

Notable Lyrics

I’m a barbie girl, in the barbie world
Life in plastic, it’s fantastic!
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation

“Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” by the Backstreet Boys

Backstreet Boys lyricsI had to include a song from the Backstreet Boys and one by *NSYNC (listed next).

Some of you may remember the famously heated debates back in the day over which of these two bands was better. Lines were drawn and people planted themselves firmly on one side or another. You may or may not have lost friends over this issue.

Notable Lyrics

Am I original?
Yeah
Am I the only one?
Yeah
Am I sexual?
Yeah
Am I everything you need?
You better rock your body now

“Pop” by N*SYNC

NSync lyricsThis song is beyond awful; it is nothing but pure ego and bragging. But it properly fills the role of *NSYNC as a counterbalance to the aforementioned Backstreet Boys tune. I know a few gal pals (and guys, too!) who admitted to having more than a few songs from one or both of these groups (and other boy bands like 98 Degrees, Boyz II Men, and New Kids On the Block). Some argue that they held onto theses songs purely for nostalgic reasons, but I have my doubts.

 

Notable Lyrics

It doesn’t matter
‘Bout the car I drive or
The ice around my neck
All that matters
Is that you recognize
That it’s just about respect (oh)
It doesn’t matter
About the clothes I wear
And where I go and why
All that matters
Is that you get hyped and
We’ll give it to you every time

“My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion

Celine Dion lyricsTitanic.

Leo fever.

Doesn’t make it right, but those are the reasons.

 

There was also the video:

Notable Lyrics

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you’re here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

“MMMBop” by Hanson

Hanson lyricsWhat are they are actually saying? Doesn’t matter.

It was a mega hit from pre-pubescent boys which, quite frankly, makes me sad.

 

 

Notable Lyrics

And when you get old and start losing your hair
Tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care?
Oh care

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du
Yeah

“Shoot Pass Slam” by Shaquille O’Neal

Shaquille O'Neal lyricsYes, Shaq had a rap album.

I’ll say it again: SHAQ had a rap album. Did you know this?

I have to say, it’s actually quite the gem. I mean, with lyrics like, ” Should I shoot it? Nah/Should I pass it? Nah/Should I SLAM?! Yea!”,  how could you not laugh hysterically go wrong?

 

*Conditional Embarrassment*
If you are under 55 years of age and have anything by Barry Manilow

Barry Manilow lyricsI’m sorry, but I shouldn’t have to explain this. This is embarrassing. For all of us.

Especially if it is “Copacabana (At the Copa)“.

 

 

 

Notable Lyrics

At the Copa, Copacabana
The hottest spot north of Havana
At the Copa, Copacabana
Music and passion were always in fashion
At the Copa they fell in love 

“Memory” from Cats

Cats lyricsI’m sorry, but a musical theater song had to make the list. I really don’t have anything against musical theater. It can be moving when the medium is embraced and is executed well: Book of MormonWest Side Story, Company, A Chorus Line, and Guys & Dolls are some examples that quickly spring to mind.

But there are some really really bad shows out there, too that make for easy targets (*cough* Dracula, *cough, cough* Spiderman:  Turn Off the Dark).

I’ll admit that the inclusion of musical theater on this list is totally subjective: some cringe at the thought of even letting the songs of musical theater hit their ears; others wouldn’t bat an eyelash to tell you, proudly, that they have the original cast recordings to over 150 Broadway shows in their library.

But this song…well, this one is pretty embarrassing. No matter who you are.

Notable Lyrics

Touch me, it’s so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me, you’ll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun

“Friday” by Rebecca Black

Rebecca Black lyricsOkay, this is probably the worst one on this list. I had to do everything in my power to control my gag reflex when a friend confessed to having downloaded this song.

**Note: the Stephen Colbert version of this song is hilariously awesome. Check it out below. You’re welcome.**

Notable Lyrics

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?
It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend

 

I’ll admit that the question of “what are the most embarrassing songs on your iPod?” is largely subjective. To wit: I would be incredibly sad if I owned any song by Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber, Nickleback, or most anything by The Black-Eyed Peas, while others may find some of the selections on my iPod curious enough to turn their cheeks red.