Kate NashPart of the ‘Mockney-pop’ scene that infiltrated the mainstream during the mid-00s, Kate Nash once seemed poised to steal Lily Allen’s crown before a disastrous second album saw her follow the likes of Just Jack and Jamie T back into obscurity. Previewed by last year’s “Under-Estimate The Girl,” an indescribably bad riot grrrl pastiche she wrote, recorded and debuted in just 24 hours, her third LP, Girl Talk, suggests she’s entirely abandoned any intentions of ever reclaiming her former chart-topping status. Indeed, an unconvincing throwback to the 90s feminist rock of L7, Bikini Kill and Sleater-Kinney, its 15 tracks are as feeble as you’d expect a project from a BRIT School graduate feigning punk can be. Here are five of its most bewildering culprits.

OMYGOD!

Kate NashFocusing solely on the quiet part of Pixies’ loudQUIETloud formula, 25-year-old Nash regresses to her former sulky teenager self as she relentlessly whines and moans how her friends, like, totally don’t understand her pain. Remarkably, even the lure of a value-for-money burger deal and a peck on the cheek from Flipper can’t prevent her from obsessing over a boy who has presumably had enough of her constant ‘me me me’ attitude and bolted: [LISTEN]

The burgers are 2 for 1

But I’m not having any fun

Yesterday a dolphin kissed me

But I just don’t feel no different

All Talk

Kate NashSpitting venom at a man who is all talk and no trousers, this fast and furious, and ultimately tune-free, diatribe proves once again that you don’t want to see Nash when she’s very angry. She may cite her ‘girl power’ ideologies as the main reason she’s having 99 man problems, but the fact that she delivers her big feminist ‘fuck off’ statement with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer suggests that she’s barely made it past the opening chapter of the beginner’s guide: [LISTEN]

You’ve a problem with me

‘Cause I’m a girl

I’m a feminist

And if that offends you

Then fuck you

Fri-End?

Kate NashA throwback to the mid-90s sugar-coated lo-fi Britpop of Kenickie and Bis, “Fri-End?” may be one of the record’s more palatable offerings. But it’s still hard to conjure up much sympathy for Nash’s apparent hurt at being used by a part-time acquaintance. Especially when she appears to believe that offering her undying adulation to someone who would probably fit effortlessly into the cast of Girls automatically merits a similarly kiss-ass response: [LISTEN]

You didn’t treat like a friend yea
You didn’t treat me like a fri-end
I’ve been sent here onto something, something made for you
Well you ain’t give me the best
I even said that you’re cool
(You were cool) 

Sister

Kate NashActually having the audacity to rhyme ‘sister’ with ‘missed-ya’, Nash’s most blatant attempt to turn into Courtney Love is arguably one of Girl Talk’s most relatable musings as she recalls the heartache of watching a friendship she once thought was rock solid completely drift apart. Sadly, the awkward internal dialogue that interrupts the tale of unrequited lesbian love proves her stream-of-consciousness tendencies have now turned from charming to highly annoying: [LISTEN]

To be ripped away from you, is like being ripped out of the group

I’m sorry is that too dramatic? I should just be far more placid

Well blah-blah, blah-blah, me myself and I

I’m so funny oh my god HA HA

Rap For Rejection

Kate NashGirl Talk informs us on several occasions that Nash is a full-blown feminist. But this hopelessly misguided attempt at hip-hop, which would surely be taken for some kind of ironic in-joke had it appeared on another record, is the only time where she puts her money where her mouth is. However, Germaine Greer needn’t start looking over her shoulder just yet as other than a quick ‘fuck-you’ to a leery party guest, her main concern on the issue of sexism appears to be the way in which news agents display their music magazines: [LISTEN]

I’m looking for a magazine

The ones with bands with real cool fans

But the music magazines with the real cool rapper

Is in the metal section in the magazines for men stand