On the eve of what is widely regarded as one of the most important elections in US political history, amidst one of the world’s biggest financial crisis in decades, and the usually outspoken Toby Keith arrives with his 16th studio album, Hope On The Rocks, to deliver his verdict on the issues that really matter: women and drinking. Single-handedly setting the political correctness movement back to the Reagan era, Natalie Maines’ least likely BFF candidate does little to dispel his casual sexist reputation on a record which redefines the word ‘workmanlike.’ Here’s a look at five of its most questionable sets of lyrics:

Hope On The Rocks

Keith tries to convince us of his psycho-therapist skills as he steps into the shoes of a bartender with a shoulder that must be soaked from the amount of down-and-outs who use it to cry on. Surely more Moe from The Simpsons than Woody from Cheers, he then appears to take great delight in recalling their miserable ordeals over a driving country-rock backdrop which at various points, borrows wholesale from both Bruce Springsteen’s “Streets Of Philadelphia” and Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Scar Tissue:”

Where do they go, they come here

To drown in their sorrow and cry in their beer

They’re in need of a mindbender

I’m a bartender, at the end of the day

I’m all they’ve got

Hope on the rocks

The Size I Wear

Perhaps explaining Keith’s old-fashioned attitude to the opposite sex, this line-dancing-ready slice of barroom rock was inspired by a rather ill-judged phrase his father used to utter on seeing a pretty young thing. Displaying his usual touch of class, he and his drinking buddy ‘John’ take on the role of an America’s Next Top Model judge by whittling down a bunch of secretaries on a work’s night out by their vital measurements, before forgetting the whole ‘bros before hos’ rule and squabbling over the poor unsuspecting girl they consider most worthy of their charms:

The one in the back

She was as flat as a wall

But the one in the middle

As cute as could be

The one in the middle was looking at me

I Like Girls That Drink Beer

With a title expressing the kind of sentiment you’d expect from an early 00s gross-out movie, the first of six tracks co-written with Bobby Pinson sees the CEO of a business empire worth an estimated $85 million swear blind that he’s not interested in the finer things of life. Boats, Benzos and black-tie suits all get the official Keith seal of disapproval on a traditional hoedown which suggests that the first quality he looks for in a potential partner is the ability to down an ice cold brew: [LISTEN]

Bye bye baby I’m leaving
You can keep your mansion and your money
Your boat and your Benz and your uptown friends
And your country club that ain’t really country
I need a little down home lovin’
And a man ain’t gonna get it up here

Get Got

Even his most ardent fans would perhaps think twice about appointing Keith as a life coach, but that doesn’t stop him from imparting a series of proverbs and self-help clichés which are unlikely to be challenging Chicken Soup For The Soul on the bestseller list. Surrounded by twanging bluesy riffs and foot-stomping beats, the white picket fence prophet dishes out words of wisdom on his usual preferred topics of conversation, including a ‘girls run cold and hot’ observation that will no doubt be adopted by feminists everywhere:

Don’t mix your whiskey with decision

Ask forgiveness, not permission

Do a raindance when it’s mist

And they say timing’s everything

Haven’t Seen The Last of You

See, chauvinists can have feelings too. The first track that actually sounds like it’s written by a man in his 50s, this heart-pouring acoustic ballad shows Keith isn’t immune to the odd moment of melancholy. Unfortunately, this new-found display of emotion comes off more creepy than crestfallen, as he refuses to accept a break-up with his soul mate with a string of phrases, which perhaps unintentionally, appear to have escaped from a slasher movie. The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” may now have some accidental competition as the ultimate stalker anthem:

I’ve had these memories of you in my mind

If I don’t go insane

And I’ll dream about you girl if I don’t lie here wide awake

I know it’s ended, I know it’s finished

It’s done but I’m not through