With the release of his second studio album B.O.A.T.S. II: #METIME rap’s most lifeless court jester, 2 Chainz, has officially chiseled his likeness into the Mount Rushmore of rap clowns – right up there with T-Pain, Lil Jon, and Riff Raff. For some, that might not be a bad thing. Especially if you have the courage and intelligence to own it. But 2 Chainz has neither. He’s a coward, a louse, a rap mollusk that’ll be clinging on to fame much longer than the 15 minutes allotted. He teeters between prosaic stand-up and unimaginative talk-rap, and in the end it all falls apart in anticlimactic fashion. Here are five lyrics that capture the lunacy that is 2 Chainz.

Fork

2 chainz3Titling a song “Fork” is pretty much asking for trouble. Initially the thought is that ‘fork’ could be slang for something – a lyrical privilege that many bombastic personalities like 2 Chainz are afforded. But that’s giving him way too much credit. Here a fork is simply a fork. And in 2 Chainz’s world that’s all the inspiration he needs. To make matters worse he introduces other inanimate objects as well thinking that it’s somehow hilarious. It may be to him, but not to the folks who actually appreciate quality, humor-driven rap: [LISTEN]

"Fork"

 

Where U Been

2-chainz-arrested-in-los-angeleIf you were to personify WorldStarHipHop there would no question that it would be 2 Chainz. His life is one giant bum fight after another. Even the threat of retribution seems to be ripped right out of the comments section of some over-the-top nightclub melee. If 2 Chainz is measuring success by how many people want to crush his skull then he’s well on his way to immortalizing himself as the most hood hillbilly on the planet: [LISTEN]

"Where U Been"

I Do It

1343662565_tity-boi-2-chainzDuring a moment of unbridled sanctimony, 2 Chainz raises his hands to the sky, exclaims “hallelujah,” and thanks the many degenerates that came before him because without them there would be no 2 Chainz. It’s sort of touching in a nefarious sort of way, but eventually all of it gets lost in a fog of early onset dementia. 2 Chainz has the attention span of a gnat, but seeing as how his fansbase is all cut from the same cloth it shouldn’t matter one bit: [LISTEN]

"I Do It"

Used 2

2-chainz-release2 Chainz loves exotic dancers, and he engages them only as he knows how – by shouting at them like an animal and throwing wads of cash at their vaginas. At the end of the day everybody’s happy, but to ask a stripper if they can do the splits on a guys junk is bush-league. If he was a real playa like he claims to be all it would take is a raise of the eyebrow, a simple flash of some coin, and a private place to get funky. Not some hackneyed cat call from the general admission slophouse: [LISTEN]

"Used 2"

U Da Realest

2-ChainzKeeping it real in rap is essential. You don’t want to be caught with your pants down lest you be condemned to rap purgatory where pictures of Vanilla Ice and Hammer adorn the walls. In this case you almost pray that 2 Chainz isn’t telling the truth because if you don’t know how many tattoos are on your body you’re in bigger trouble than you think. Is it two or three? Honestly, 2 Chainz is well on his way to being a flash in the pan. And after a title like that is bestowed, there’s just no turning back: [LISTEN]

"U Da Realest"