Crossover superstar Iggy Azalea recently made an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! in support of her newest album The New Classic. Before performing she joined Kimmel for a quirky little segment called “New Lyrics for Old People” where he essentially translates lyrics for the brain dead morons who lack the basic functions necessary for deductive reasoning. It was a simultaneous display of mind-numbing lyricism and really bad comedy, and we should be glad the universe didn’t implode as a result.

They were quite a pair, Azalea in a skintight red dress constructed out of Fruit Roll-Ups and Kimmel whose awkward body composition makes him look like a part-time bulimic. Really, with proportions in mind, take a closer look and there’s something not totally right. It’s very distracting like underneath his suit is the body of a 100-year-old man. The waka waka moments just poured in from all directions in the three-plus-minute segment. It was suffocating, but we realized three things:

  • Jimmy Kimmel is a chickenshit lapdog, and should be put on some dork list along with male flight attendants and mall cops. Seeing him strut through a segment with his safe, matter-of-fact personalty is both annoying and familiar. We all know someone with that cheesy smile, and would jump at the opportunity to Jimmy Snuka it right off him.
  • Iggy Azalea – who’s to her credit much sharper than people are willing to admit – wants to become a teacher after her rap career is over. A statement that shows that even she knows that the mainstream rap game is a con. And why the audience laughed at her for wanting more out of her life says a lot, a whole lot.
  • Basic cable is the graveyard where entertainment and free thought go to die. It’s better to smash your head into a wall than to tune in. At least with the former you can donate your brain to science. With the latter, all that would remain is a soupy pool of sour diarrhea.