Lorde_LEAD

As poetically humble it was for 17-year-old Lorde to skewer – she was 16 at the time of release – the dark side of the entertainment industry with the confidence and swagger of a 30-year-old woman, “Royals,” for those of us over the age of teen-age not preposterously occupied with deeming its lyrics racist, it’s still hard relating to a crew that counts their dollars on trains to parties.

LA comic Molly Dworsky, though, through the grace of comedy, blew up the internets over the last week with a re-contextualization of the jam for the quarter-life set, swapping bourgeois-pop ‘racism’ – idiots – for “self-pity” and grey-pubic hair jealousy for, well, those high-school glory days, as “every song’s, like, written by a kid [you] probably used to babysit.” So live it up, Royal Lorde, insult is the best kind of flattery and one day those dollar-counting train parties will turn into IRA number crunching lameness:

If this is life, I’m unimpressed
Adulthood’s nothing like the tales in the movies
I’ve got stretch marks and saggy breasts
Seven extra pounds, and I’m full of envy

Cuz every song’s, like, written by a kid I probably used to babysit
Killing it by puberty while I can barely stay fit
So unfair that Lorde’s a millionaire at seventeen

And everybody’s got kids, a mortgage, real responsibility
Neck pain, diets, “hot chicks” were born after me
So unfair, I have to pay for my own health care

And we used to be Royals
How was that 10 years ago?
Seems like yesterday 2004
I wish I had another go

If I could be a high schooler
I could be the prom queen
And baby I’d rule (I’d rule) high school
Let me live that fantasy

My friends and I can tell we’re old
We count our dollars in our IRA while you party
And once we’re in our comfy clothes
We watch YouTube clips
Eat chips and feel self-pity

Cuz every song’s, like, written by a kid I probably used to babysit
Killing it by puberty while I can barely stay fit
So unfair that Lorde’s a millionaire at seventeen

And everybody’s got kids, a mortgage, real responsibility
Neck pain, diets, “hot chicks” were born after me
So unfair, being carded is getting rare

And we used to be Royals
How was that 10 years ago?
Seems like yesterday 2004
I wish had another go

If I could be a high schooler
I could be the prom queen
And baby I’d rule (I’d rule) high school
Let me live that fantasy

Woah,
So old
Woah

We’re not where we thought we’d be
I miss the days of JTT
Growing old is so unfair
I just found a grey pubic hair