Is last-minute Christmas shopping giving you high blood pressure? Are you sick of bluffing your way through the corny holiday cheer? Dusting down the ol’ear plugs in time for the annual Xmas family argument? Wanna punch Santa Claus right in the face?

Well all you Scrooges need to sit back, take a deep breath, and check out SongLyrics’s 10 favorite anti-Christmas songs—tracks which flip a big, fat (and Turkey-free) bird to Christmastime!

I Won’t Be Home For Christmas” by Blink 182

I Won’t Be Home for Christmas” was first released in 1998. Three years later, it somehow managed to make its way to the #1 spot in Canada—for six weeks. This was the first and only Blink 182 track to reach #1 in Canada. Oh, it was also the longest running #1 single in Canada in 2001. Alas, I can only draw two conclusions from this: a) Canadians really like this song or b) they really dislike Christmas…

Best Anti-Christmas Lyric

It’s Christmas time again,
it’s time to be nice to the people you can’t stand all year,
I’m growing tired of all this Christmas cheer

The Night Santa Went Crazy” by Weird Al Yankovic

Is the idea of a beaming, gift-bearing, morally-perfect St. Nick enough to make ya wanna barf? Well, listen as Santa turns into an alcoholic, reindeer chomping, elves hostage holding mass murderer in the ever delightful Christmas fairytale that is Weird Al’s “The Night Santa Went Crazy

Best Anti-Christmas Lyric

And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage,
and he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage

 

“Slashed Wrists This Christmas” by Gruff Rhys

Well, um, I guess the title of this one might give you an idea as to why its featuring in our “Anti-Christmas” playlist. Super Furry Animal, Gruff Rhys, casts a shadow over Christmas with a solemn tale of a manic-depressive in “Slashed Wrists This Christmas,” which forms part of his Atheist Xmas EP, featuring other goldies such as “Post Apocalypse Christmas” and “At the End of the Line”. Perfect gift for Grandma, then.

Best Anti-Christmas Lyric

Slashed wrists this Christmas,
blood streams down your fingers

 

Christmas Sucks” by The Arrogant Worms

As we grow older, presents grow suckier, until one day, we are finally resigned to the dreaded  ”ties and socks” combo. Canadian comedy trio, The Arrogant Worms, are well aware of such middle-aged misery in the side-splitting “Christmas Sucks“.

Best Anti-Christmas Lyric

Now that I am thirty-eight years old,
the only things I get are ties and socks.
My kids are never happy with what’s under the tree,
soon they’ll understand Christmas sucks

Yule Shoot Your Eye Out” by Fall Out Boy

Here is one for those going through a bitter break up over the holidays and feeling a little, well…emo. Forget Christmas cheer—Illinois pop-punk poster-boys, Fall Out Boy, instead aspire for morbid revenge on a former lover during the chipper-titled “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out”.

Best Anti-Christmas Lyric

Don’t come home for Christmas,
you’re the last thing I wanna see,
underneath the tree.
Merry Christmas, I could care less

“The Anti-Christmas Carol” by Joss Stone

Joss Stone rejoices Christmas “only comes once a year” in what could be deemed the super-crabby (and slightly-blasphemous) flip-side to Wizzard‘s opus, “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday“—”The Anti-Christmas Carol.”

Best Anti-Christmas Lyric

Thank You, Jesus,
for being born only once,
I couldn’t deal with it,
so Christmas only comes once a year,
thank God, Hallelujah

Christmas Celebration” by Weezer

In December 2005, Weezer treated fans to a fantastical pun of an EP, Winter Weezerland. Included on the record was the plain grumpy “Christmas Celebration“, during which Rivers Cuomo complains (with nerd-punk vigor) about eggnog, capitalism, pageantry and um, obesity?

Best Anti-Christmas Lyric

Carolers are singing,
registers ka-chinging,
and the presents are in place,
but I’d rather eat some mace,
cause the eggnog always makes me sick

Elf’s Lament” by Barenaked Ladies (feat. Michael Bublé

Barenaked Ladies sing of the plight of Santa’s elves and their attempts to form a union in protest against their poor working conditions in the North Pole amid the hilarious (and curiously thought-provoking, ahem) “Elf’s Lament“, which features the king of swing, Michael Bublé. Remember—an elf is for life, not just for Christmas!

Best Anti-Christmas Lyric

You look at yourself,
you’re an elf and the shelf is just filled with disappointing memories
Trends come and go and your friends wanna know why you aren’t just happy
making crappy little gizmos
Every kid knows they’ll just throw this stuff away

“I Hate Christmas” by Ren and Stimpy

Even our furry friends hate the holidays. Just ask Ren and Stimpy—the cutest killjoys of the cartoon world. This chihuahua and cat duo sing of their disdain in the frankly titled, “I Hate Christmas,” taken from their 1993 LP, Ren & Stimpy’s Crock O’ Christmas.

Best Anti-Christmas Lyric

Every Christmas, I am listless, giving gifts just ain’t my bag
Sleigh bells ringing, and off key singing,
Christmas music makes me gag!

“Another Christmas Song” by Stephen Colbert

Following his epiphany that “someone must write them” (“them” being the annually remunerative holiday song), funnyman, Stephen Colbert, penned the genuinely fantastic “Another Christmas Song”, during which he urges fans to go download the track so he can look forward to his fat royalty check. Well, at least Steve’s honest about it, unlike most dollar-lead songwriters who pretend they write about baby Jesus from the good of their own hearts…

Best Anti-Christmas Lyric

Hey! It’s another Christmas song.
Yay! Another oft’ returning, royalty earning Christmas song.
I’ve got plenty more so go buy a modem,
log on to iTunes and pay to download ‘em. Pay!
For another Christmas song!