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Not The Sunscreen Song
Not the Sunscreen Song - John Safran
If you're unsure about what you're going to do with your life,
Try to remember, some of the most interesting people didn't know
what they were going to do at age twenty-two or even at forty,
and nearly all of them are unemployed drug addicts forced to
live on cat food. Also understand that friends will come and go,
this is because of your irritating personality, nobody likes you.
So if the only thing getting you thought the day is the misconception
that people like you, end it now. (bang)
Learn how to smoke Whinny Blues, if you're under aged,
get an older kid to buy them for you.
Get to really know your parents, they're good for money,
milk them, then put them in an old people's home.
Travel as often as you can, live in New York City once,
live in Northern California once, never live in Adelaide,
It's a hole.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have
children, maybe you won't, if you do have children,
lock them under the stairs.
Do one thing each day that scares you, sing, dance,
jump in front of a car.
Do not trust anyone who tries to update Sheakespeare
for the kids, and if you see Quindon Tarver in the street,
punch him in the face for me.
If you're worried about the way you look, try to remember,
you're probably fatter than you think, maybe you should consider
an eating disorder. Don't worry too much about the future. If
you're nervous about an exam, ring up your school to schedule
time, and make a bomb threat. If you're a girl, lie about period
pains to get out of anything you don't want to do. Cheat if you
think you can get away with it. Remember, someone with richer
parents is getting private tuition.
Shop-lift as often as you can, Shopping Centres factor shop-
lifting into their prices, so if you don't do it, it's like
they're getting money for free. When you're on work experience,
steal a cab-charge, and take a Taxi to Perth.
Wear sunscreen, but only if it's that coconut oil that gives
you cancer. Keep your old love letters, if you see an old lover
in the street, try to run them over in your car.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or else by the time you're
thirty-five, you'll look like Greg Matthews.
Remember you can wear your underwear four times without
washing them, Forwards, Backwards, inside-out Forwards,
(bang bang bang bang)
Congregate in gangs around train stations and shopping centres,
it's a free country, It's public space. Skateboard on War Memorials.
Smoke in your School uniform.
Set off car alarms.
Plant Drugs on a teacher.
Join a cult.
Don't flush public toilets.
Remember, only you will truly take care of you,
so carry a concealed weapon.
Don't wear your 'P' plates.
Walk around with your eye lids rolled back.
Touch your tongue on the tip of batteries.
Be open to new love.
Remember, you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex.
Expect others to support you, it's easy to get the doll
and still do cash in hand work.
Respect your elders, when your grandma dies, have her stuffed.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when you're knee
capped by a loan shark.
Get revenge, don't forgive anyone for anything,
But most of all, don't aim too high, you're probably only
suited to an office or factory job.
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