Half Man Half Biscuit - Asparagus Next Left Lyrics

We’ve just been performing a guerrilla gig
In the middle of another group’s guerrilla gig
Well surely that’s the ultimate guerrilla gig
But still they cried like girls

Road signs on our country lanes
May not be what they seem
“Asparagus Next Left” – who says?
I’ve been upstream
Going down there for plum tomatoes
That’s not a good idea
For “Horse Manure 200 Yards”
Read bottomless perdition

When the club-versus-country dispute arose
Small children were trampled in the exodus
We all knew someone at primary school
Who had a very powerful magnet

“This-a-way For New Potatoes”
An arrow points innocently
Dirt track to a darker place
That’s what it says to me
“Last Chance For Hanging Baskets”
They’re even giving you clues!
“Fresh Broad Beans and Aubergines”
Euphemisms, Audrey, euphemisms!

Whatever happened to the plumber’s van?
The humble, amateur Transit van?
Vans have become ridiculous
With their strategies and logistics

“Veer Left For Marmalade!”
I don’t think so Joe
And why are “Tractors Turning”?
We really ought to know
So stay alert on the minor roads
Remember Phyllis Triggs
Oooh! Rhubarb! Lets go!
She’s still not been accounted for